1998-05-07 - Spring Orgo Night
College Reading Room of Butler Library
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite our desire to spend every waking moment eating wrappers in the Wien Food Court, it's the band that's more like a meal: The Columbia University Marching I can't believe I spent $5.00 for this shit.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Claire Danes - Not at Columbia
J. Christina Ricci - Not at Columbia
and J. Democratic government - Not at Columbia
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in need of renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring temperatures higher than Dan Gati's earned run average, standards lower than a drunken DG's, and a drum major hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in a tub of scalding water, the band presents its 27th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[who owns]
You may have heard about Robert Barro, the economics professor at Harvard whom Columbia tried unsuccessfully to lure away. Many of you are probably unfamiliar with Barro's work, so the band thought we would tell you a little about the man Columbia thought was worth $300,000. Barro is the author of such economic works as "Economic Growth and Convergence," "Modern Business Cycle Theory," and "I'm Gonna Sex You All Night Long, Baby," which is believed to be the first serious economic text ever to use the word 'sex' as a verb. The band found the theories contained therein highly informative, so we would like to read you an excerpt. "I'm tired of waiting, baby. I'm gonna sex you all night long. Oh yeah, Sugar. Tell me I'm not your man." The band for one wishes the administration could have convinced this man to liven up Columbia's economics department with his presence, but unfortunately it was not meant to be. Barro, the world^Òs first self-proclaimed 'sexonomist,' will continue researching at Harvard and teaching his female interns about the harsh realities of today's marketplace. The band now extends its middle finger northwards and plays "Carry On My Wayward Economist."
[Carry On]
The band was saddened to learn of the recent death of the keyboard playing legend Linda McCartney, the wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney. An apparently simple and peaceful death took a rather bizarre turn, however, when it was discovered that Ms. McCartney had died on a ranch in Arizona and not in California as her family had claimed. Sources close to the scene tell the band that for years Linda has been foaming at the mouth and banging wildly on her tambourine. Is it possible that Paul, like the owner of Old Yeller, finally decided to do the right thing and went back behind the woodshed to put Linda out of her misery? With Linda gone, there's only one crazed Beatle wife left: Yoko. The band would like to send a message to Columbia alum Sean Lennon. Sean, with your father gone, you^re the man of the house. You've got to be a man now, and remember, Happiness is a warm gun.
[Live and Let Die]
The quality of life for Columbia's gay and lesbian community has never been all that high. In general, George Rupp in a wheelbarrow is the closest Columbia comes to gay entertainment. All that would have changed, however, with the introduction of a new gay bar called Saints, scheduled to open on 109th St. near SoHa and 1020, but the opening has been delayed because of protests by neighborhood residents. Of course, it seems a bit strange that these residents would protest the moral degeneracy of a gay bar, while tolerating an open-air crack marketplace on 109th St. Said one neighborhood resident, "Everyone loves crack. But can you really trust gays around the children?" Another added, "Well, you sure don't get AIDS from smoking crack." Strangely enough, however, PiKiKi happened last week to no protest at all. The band now forms a gay bar and plays, "I Hear You Knocking, but you're not coming in my neighborhood."
[Knocking]
The more things change, the more they stay the same. The staff of the Spectator, Columbia's favorite bunch of incompetents outside of the administration, changed the look of their newspaper a few weeks ago, but unfortunately they did not decide to stop publishing semi-literate crap. Yes, the yearly charade of changing formats and mislabeled infographics no longer conceals the social commentary on the level of a Mentos commercial, the constant spelling errors, and the fact that the Microsoft cartoon paper clip is the copy editor. And don't get me started on Barnyard Blues. What's up with that? You wanna see D. G.'s Place? I'll show you D. G.'s Place. It's in my ass! But irregardless (is that the right word?) the Spec has taught us one valuable lesson. Please see Spectator joke, page 12. (flips through pages of script) Wait a minute. There is no page 12!
[Sedated]
Tragedy struck earlier when green paint was mysteriously dumped on members of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity as they were sitting on the front steps of their brownstone. Apparently a confused member of FIJI decided to dump paint on a virgin after he had fucked a fire hydrant. Then he brilliantly covered his tracks by leaving a trail of green paint from the roof of the PiKA brownstone directly back to the roof of FIJI, where he was discovered by campus security with green paint on his hands. This O. J. Simpson of the Columbia community denied any wrongdoing, blaming the crime on an evil leprechaun, not unlike that in the classic movie, "Leprechaun". Security was understandably confused, however, noting the departure from their usual modus operandi, rape. Of course, feuds between PiKA and FIJI are nothing new. In the past, however, FIJI members traditionally demonstrated their dominance over PiKA and their heterosexuality simply by raping them. Said one FIJI member, "I don't know if you've seen some of them PiKA boys, but you wanna talk tight, firm asses? That's where to look, baby." Members of PiKA were apparently disappointed in FIJI's change of plan, and lamented that they would once again have to start raping one another in order to demonstrate their heterosexuality. The band is saddened by this feud, but on the bright side, we're glad FIJI finally used latex in one of their assaults. In honor of these two houses of manly men, the band now forms a frat house and plays, "Love Shack." Bang, bang, bang, on the door baby!
[Love Shack]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
TNT, or tri-nitro-toluene, destroys old buildings in a wash of flames, whereas TNT, or Turner Network Television, destroys old movies with a wash of color
A kilo of carbon is one-half a mole, whereas a dealer of coke is turned in by a mole
When you expose aluminum to absolute zero, it becomes a superconductor, but when you expose our drum major to Absolut vodka, he becomes a Super Conductor
[March out to Raw]